I Just Want To Breathe.

Today was supposed to be my day off.

I felt a wave of relief wash over me last night when I realized I wouldn’t have to feel like this again until Wednesday.

I live with major anxiety disorder. More specifically, social anxiety disorder. So, being in social situations is extremely difficult for me. I get so nervous around people that I have spent most of my adult life avoiding these interactions. But I have to work to survive. So I push through it. It never gets easier though. In fact, it gets more difficult everyday.

Girl in a crowd

I’ve been with this company for a little over a year now. I took the job because I was desperate to make ends meet and the girl that hired me was desperate for help. The job is in food service. I build people’s sub sanwiches right in front of them.

I might as well be performing at the Taj Mahal. I hate being in the spotlight. And people never watch you closer than when you’re handling their food.

I’m a good employee. I hate calling out. I’m a perfectionist so my work is always on point. I quickly rose in my organization and became the new manager within six months of my employment. It’s not a position I ever wanted but they needed someone and I needed the pay raise.

Today was supposed to be my day off.

I wasn’t going to have to spend my entire day wrapped in panic.

But it didn’t work out.

My supervisor called me this morning. Employees are out sick. She needs me to come in. Now my stomach is in knots. I want to puke. I want to hide. I want to run away and live in a tent in the woods so I never have to do this again. But that’s not realistic.

What I really want is to follow my dream. My dream of working from home, for myself. To have the freedom to decide how much I can handle. To be able to take the time for selfcare when I’m feeling this way.

This dream is why I started my YouTube channel. It’s why I got into reselling. It’s why I’m writing this blog post.

I see it every day. People all over the world are taking control of their lives and doing what they want.

That’s what I want.

I want it so bad that it’s all I can think about. Everyday I can’t wait to clock out so I can spend time trying to make my dream become my reality.

I watch other YouTubers and follow other bloggers and resellers and feel this swelling in my chest. It’s my calling. I know it. I wasn’t mean to be a slave to the 9-5 workday. I wasn’t built for that kind of life.

I’ve tried my hardest to make the best of it. I’ve tried to convince myself that I can do this. I can be normal. I can enjoy working with other people. I can socialize openly with my employees and customers.

But no matter how much I try, no matter how much I tell myself I can do this- I can’t.

So, what do I do? How can I change the path I’m on? How do I take charge and make this life one that I can live and breathe in?

I don’t know. But I know nothing will change unless I do something about it.

I just started posting to my blog a few days ago. Before my first post, my site sat blank for almost two years. I’m hoping by starting, even though I don’t know how or what to write about, maybe- slowly- things will begin to change.

Maybe in a few more years I’ll be earning enough revenue from my online ventures that I can walk away from this life of pretending to be someone I’m not.

We only get one life. I don’t want to spend mine trapped in an endless cycle of anxiety driven panic and exhaustion.

I just want to breathe.